Alice Page 3

  ALICE hands the phone to one of the WONDERLANDERS. He proceeds to take it apart on the desk. He takes the battery out of the back and sniffs it, then eats it, nodding appreciatively.

  ALICE: That’s mine, you can’t – Don’t eat it, it’s not –

  The other WONDERLANDERS crowd around with interest and proceed to eat the other parts of the phone.

  The CATERPILLAR looks up from his paperwork.

  CATERPILLAR: Step forward please.

  ALICE: They’ve just eaten my phone.

  CATERPILLAR: Just a few questions.

  ALICE: They’ve eaten my phone.

  CATERPILLAR: What’s the purpose of your visit – business or pleasure?

  ALICE: Um. Neither.

  CATERPILLAR: I don’t have to let you in, you know. If your answers are not satisfactory to me you’ll stay right here until they are.

  ALICE: Right. OK, sorry.

  CATERPILLAR: Purpose of your visit?

  ALICE: I really don’t know. I mean I’m not trying to like, move here.

  CATERPILLAR: How long do you plan to stay?

  ALICE: Um. I don’t know. The rabbit didn’t say, so –

  He said I have to go to the Heart, do you know where that is?

  CATERPILLAR: We are the Wonderland State Border Control, not a tourist information office.

  Take this form.

  The CATERPILLAR hands a piece of paper to ALICE.

  ALICE: Thank you. I haven’t got a pen.

  CATERPILLAR: You’re supposed to fold it up nicely and give it back to me.

  ALICE: Um. OK.

  ALICE starts to fold up the paper.

  CATERPILLAR: As interestingly as possible.

  ALICE: OK, um. Like a paper aeroplane or –

  CATERPILLAR: A swan, maybe?

  ALICE: I can do an aeroplane.

  CATERPILLAR: Fine.

  ALICE makes a paper aeroplane during the next.

  Are you now or have you ever been involved in terrorist activity?

  ALICE: No.

  CATERPILLAR: International espionage? Arms trading?

  ALICE: Not as far as I know. No.

  CATERPILLAR: Have you any pastry with you?

  ALICE: Pastry?

  CATERPILLAR: No filo, no puff, no pâté sucree?

  ALICE: No.

  CATERPILLAR: No jams, marmalades, chutneys or other conserves or condiments about your person?

  ALICE: What? No.

  CATERPILLAR: You sure?

  ALICE: Yes.

  CATERPILLAR: Any baggage with you?

  ALICE: No.

  CATERPILLAR: Any emotional baggage?

  ALICE: What?

  CATERPILLAR: The State of Wonderland is an Emotional State. Do you have any emotional baggage?

  ALICE: Um. No.

  CATERPILLAR: That means yes. Could anyone have tampered with your emotional baggage without your knowledge?

  ALICE: If they had, I wouldn’t know, would I?

  CATERPILLAR: PROCESS HER!

  ALICE: What?

  Some of the WONDERLANDERS surround ALICE. Others whip out instruments and start to play a song (this is the WONDERBAND). The WONDERLANDERS sing as they work.

  CATERPILLAR: Arms out.

  ALICE puts her arms out to the sides. One of the WONDERLANDERS pats her down.

  WONDERLANDERS: (Singing)

  When you’re talking to the caterpillar

  Don’t be rude, remove your haterpillar

  Don’t you know he’s where it’s aterpillar

  Better comply

  CATERPILLAR: Open wide!

  ALICE opens her mouth and one of the WONDERLANDERS takes a scrape from inside her cheek.

  WONDERLANDERS: (Singing)

  If he asks you what’s the matterpillar

  Can’t rely on idle patterpillar

  Or flirtatious gracious chatterpillar

  Better not lie

  During this verse one of the WONDERLANDERS pulls a hair out of ALICE’s head.

  ALICE: Ouch!

  The hair is transferred to an envelope with tweezers, in the manner of a forensic expert on CSI.

  The WONDERLANDERS break into the chorus of the song, a disconcertingly carnival tune:

  WONDERLANDERS: (Singing)

  Welcome to Wonderland!

  Enjoy the Wonderband!

  There’s nothing underhand about us!

  Welcome to Wonderland!

  If you’ve got contraband

  This is the time for you to give it up

  CATERPILLAR: Body scan!

  One of the WONDERLANDERS uses an old bedpan on a long stick to scan ALICE’s body (like a long-handled metal detector). He makes a beeping noise with his mouth when the scanner is close to Alice’s pockets.

  WONDERLANDERS: (Singing softly as dialogue between ALICE and CATERPILLAR continues)

  When you’re talking to the caterpillar

  Don’t be rude, remove your haterpillar

  Don’t you know he’s where it’s aterpillar

  Better comply

  If he asks you what’s the matterpillar

  Can’t rely on idle patterpillar

  Or flirtatious gracious chatterpillar

  Better not lie

  CATERPILLAR: Empty your pockets.

  ALICE empties her pockets – a lip balm and a couple of sweets – onto the CATERPILLAR’s desk.

  The WONDERLANDER scans her again. The scanner beeps again near her pocket.

  ALICE: He’s making that noise with his mouth.

  CATERPILLAR: What else have you got in there?

  ALICE: It’s nothing, it –

  CATERPILLAR: Take it out!

  ALICE pulls a plectrum out of her pocket.

  ALICE: Look – It’s just – it’s just a plectrum.

  CATERPILLAR: Give it to me.

  ALICE: I can’t, it’s very important.

  CATERPILLAR: Put it on the desk.

  The WONDERLANDERS’ singing peters out as they get distracted by listening...

  ALICE: You mustn’t eat it.

  ALICE puts the plectrum on the CATERPILLAR’s desk.

  It’s my brother’s. Was my brother’s.

  He picks up the plectrum.

  CATERPILLAR: A what?

  ALICE: Plectrum. It’s for playing guitar.

  CATERPILLAR: Plec. Trum.

  Looks to me very much like a fluting device. Looks very much like the sort of tool you’d use to crimp the edges of some kind of confection, something made out of pastry, perhaps a tart.

  ALICE: It’s for music. Please –

  The CATERPILLAR clicks his fingers, and the WONDERLANDERS very carefully put the plectrum into an envelope, like they did with the hair sample.

  Please, it’s the only thing I’ve –

  CATERPILLAR: You can have it back when you leave.

  The CATERPILLAR picks up a rubber stamp.

  How long did you say you intend to stay?

  ALICE: I didn’t. I don’t know.

  CATERPILLAR: Let’s just take it one day at a time, then shall we? I’m issuing you with a one-day visa. If you need to stay longer you’ll have to come back tomorrow.

  WONDERLANDER: Beep beep beep! Illegal immigrant in sector 27!

  CATERPILLAR: Onward!

  The WONDERLANDERS start to wheel the CATERPILLAR away.

  ALICE: Hang on –

  CATERPILLAR: Quickly now!

  ALICE: But what do I – what do I do now?

  CATERPILLAR: We are the Wonderland State Border Control, not a haberdashery.

  ALICE: But where’s the border? If you’re the border control.

  CATERPILLAR: You’ve crossed it.

  The WONDERLANDERS wheel the caterpillar off, humming the Welcome To Wonderland tune.

  ALICE turns around, looking behind her, but there’s no obvious border there.

  ALICE: This place is mental.

  ALICE is surrounded by other WONDERLANDERS carrying enormous flowers above their heads. Almost as soon as t
hey’re there, they’re gone.

  Then a procession of WONDERLANDERS carrying open umbrellas, followed by a man taking a cabbage for a walk. He stops, as if the cabbage is a dog having a poo. Then leans down with a plastic bag over his hand, and picks up a sprout, which he bags and bins.

  A POSTMAN arrives, pulling a post box on wheels.

  POSTMAN: Aha, yes, you – you’re off to see the Duchess.

  ALICE: Am I?

  POSTMAN: In about 90 seconds time.

  ALICE: (To herself.) OK, right, yeah. Computer game.

  POSTMAN: In which case you can take something in for me, hang on a jiffy bag...

  The POSTMAN opens the door of the letter box and starts to search through it, pulling out lots of things that aren’t letters – a cuddly toy, saucepan, bunch of flowers, a basketball, a fireguard, some bellows, a string of bunting...

  ALICE watches him.

  ALICE: Has she got a dog or something?

  POSTMAN: No no. Sure it’s here somewhere...

  ALICE: Why don’t you want to go in there?

  POSTMAN: I’d be perfectly happy to go in there.

  ALICE: OK, just thought you were –

  POSTMAN: I’M NOT SCARED OF HER.

  ALICE: OK.

  POSTMAN: Bells and whistles, where’s this letter? Ooh, here we are.

  The POSTMAN pulls a letter out of the postbox.

  He hands the letter to ALICE.

  Thought I’d lost another one, there. Lose my head if I’m not careful.

  Got one for you, too.

  He hands ALICE another letter.

  ALICE turns the letter over in her hand. The POSTMAN starts to leave.

  Cheerio then.

  He stops.

  Oh, and if the Duchess offers you a bowl of soup, best say you’ve already had your tea.

  ALICE: But I don’t know where her house is.

  POSTMAN: You’re there already.

  ALICE looks around and finds herself in a hot, steamy kitchen. She puts both letters in her pocket.

  The room is filled with steam and the smell of drains. On a table are piles of festering vegetables and rotting fish, and a couple of tea towels so dirty they’re stuck to the surface and growing whole new species of bacteria in their folds.

  A large saucepan bubbles on a stove, giving off filthy looking fumes.

  ALICE: Oh my god. Yuck.

  What is that? Euw, yuck yuck yuck.

  ALICE sneezes.

  ‘Choo!

  OK, if it’s computer game – where do I click?

  ‘Choo!

  What am I supposed to pick up?

  I don’t want to pick anything up it all looks disgusting.

  ALICE sees the COOK bustling about (he’d been indistinguishable from a big pile of dirty rags at the start.).

  Oh. Sorry. ‘Choo!

  Sorry, I was just talking to – Um.

  ‘Choo! Sorry it’s a bit, um, something’s making me –

  The COOK doesn’t look at ALICE, but continues bustling, wielding a scary-looking meat cleaver as he hacks up a teddy bear and puts the pieces in a roasting tin.

  ALICE looks around. All of a sudden, the WHITE RABBIT dashes in, in a mad rush, as if pursued.

  Hey – hello – hi – ‘Choo!

  The WHITE RABBIT jumps into the pot of soup on the stove.

  Hey, wait, hang on –

  ALICE runs over to the soup pot and climbs up onto the work surface to look inside it, but the rabbit isn’t in there.

  ALICE lifts the ladle to find it contains only soup.

  How did you – How did he do that?

  ALICE stirs the pot, but to no avail. She turns to the COOK.

  Sorry, did you just see the White Rabbit jump in here?

  COOK doesn’t seem to hear her. He coats the teddy bear pieces in olive oil, tosses and places the whole thing in the oven (or in the soup pot).

  The cook grabs an enormous pepper grinder and grinds it into the soup.

  Oh my gosh – ‘Choo! – is that supposed to have so much –

  ‘Choo! – Is it that what’s making me sneeze?

  Sorry, can’t you talk?

  The COOK opens his mouth to speak, but before he can get a word out, the DUCHESS sweeps in.

  DUCHESS: Cookie! A visitor! How lovely!

  She’s dressed in her idea of a perfect 1950s housewife, except her clothes are filthy and stained and her hair is wild. She’s holding a baby, tightly bundled in a blanket, who cries incessantly.

  Baby, we’ve got a visitor!

  The baby responds with a loud fart, a small sneeze and more wailing.

  Ahh, he likes you already, see.

  How nice of you to come and see us. Cookie, you should have told me we had a guest.

  ALICE: Yeah, I’m actually –

  DUCHESS: Don’t mind baby, he’s just expressing himself, aren’t you baby?

  Aren’t you a beautiful baby baby baby PIG baby baby.

  The baby farts again. The DUCHESS grimaces, then covers it.

  ALICE: I wanted to speak to the White Rabbit only he went in that saucepan, so –

  DUCHESS: In the soup? Cookie, did you put a rabbit in the soup? You know, food is my passion – I hope it was organic, Cookie, and fair trade and locally produced and seasonal –

  ALICE: Thing is, it’s not a rabbit-sized rabbit, more a man-sized rabbit. I mean, it’s not an eating rabbit, it’s a –

  DUCHESS: Baby’s a very adventurous eater, aren’t you, baby, he’ll eat anything, broccoli, pine cones, compost...

  ALICE: ‘Cause I really need to talk to him you see – ‘Choo!

  DUCHESS: I mean the number of things I’ve pureed for baby and he’ll just snaffle it up like a little –

  ALICE: ‘Choo!

  DUCHESS: People say how d’you find the time, all that pureeing I say I don’t know it just comes naturally like on some level I feel I’ve always been a mother, I’m just a very nurturing person –

  Have a muffin – I made them.

  The DUCHESS thrusts a plate of muffins at ALICE. They’re covered in cobwebs and appear to have fish heads sticking out of the top.

  ALICE: Are those fish?

  DUCHESS: I’m into slow food, aren’t you? Go on, have a lovely warm muffin.

  ALICE: No thanks, I really need to –

  DUCHESS: You don’t need to worry about your weight, you’re tiny!

  ALICE: I’m not worried about my weight I’m just –

  DUCHESS: Or some soup? We always have a pot of soup on the go for when visitors come, only no-one ever does, do they Cookie?

  ALICE: Yeah, I really need to find the rabbit because he gave me this, um, mission sort of thing –

  DUCHESS: Why don’t you tell me about it, eh? Sit and have a girly natter – why don’t I brush your hair for you?

  The DUCHESS pulls out a revolting brush, matted with hair and other horrors. ALICE backs off.

  ALICE: No no, I don’t – Um, cause I’ve only got a one day visa, you see, and I’d really rather not –

  DUCHESS: And then we can go shopping together.

  ALICE: OK, maybe you know where I’m supposed to go – I’m looking for something called the Heart.

  DUCHESS: I know! Let’s give each other a facial!

  ALICE: Do you know where that is, the Heart?

  DUCHESS: Of course I know where it is.

  ALICE: Yes? Where?

  DUCHESS: Home is where the heart is, isn’t it?

  ALICE: Yeah, well I’m trying to get –

  DUCHESS: And you’re home now, so –

  Why don’t you stay forever, you could move in, we’ll be like flatmates, we can borrow each others’ clothes and run each other baths and things –

  The queen used to love it when I ran her a bath. We were like sisters really, only she got in a tizz about some silly –

  ALICE: The queen?

  DUCHESS: You know what it’s like – having a baby can really get in the way of your –

  The baby
farts then sneezes.

  SHUT UP!

  I mean shush shush baby baby lovely baby.

  Queenie thinks she doesn’t like babies or something, silly billy, who doesn’t like babies – she doesn’t invite me to anything anymore, silly billy.

  Now baby, how about a bit of hush for mummy?

  The DUCHESS bounces the baby in a way which looks rather rough.

  Bouncy bouncy boo! And a bouncy bouncy boo! And a bouncy bouncy boo!

  ALICE: Careful, he’ll –

  DUCHESS: Would you like to hold him?

  ALICE: Um. No, look, I really ought to go.

  DUCHESS: Don’t go, don’t be silly, you haven’t had your tea yet.

  ALICE: Yeah, had my tea before I came I’m sorry I’ve really got to –

  ALICE starts to move away.

  DUCHESS: No don’t go don’t go don’t go don’t go

  DON’T LEAVE ME HERE WITH THE BABY!

  I mean. I mean. You’re my best friend.

  ALICE: We’ve only just met.

  DUCHESS: You don’t know what it’s like. No one comes. Even the postman won’t stop and talk anymore, everyone’s so busy –

  ALICE: Oh, the postman –

  DUCHESS: But now I’ve got you, haven’t I? Now there’ll always be someone there for me, all day every day, I can’t tell you how happy we’ll be all together – we don’t ever need to go anywhere, we can just stay here with the curtains closed and be very very happy all by ourselves. Forever.

  The baby farts.

  PIG!

  ALICE takes the DUCHESS’s letter out of her pocket.

  ALICE: Sorry, are you – Are you a Duchess?

  DUCHESS: Of course I’m a Duchess. Don’t I look like a Duchess?

  ALICE: The postman gave me this for you.

  DUCHESS: A letter? A letter? Open it!

  ALICE: OK, um.

  ALICE opens the letter.

  DUCHESS: What can it be, baby? A letter for us!

  ALICE: Um, it’s an invitation. ‘Choo!

  The DUCHESS squeals with delight.

  DUCHESS: Ainvitation! Did you hear that, Cookie? Who’s it from who’s it from?

  ALICE: Um, the queen.

  The DUCHESS screams like an excited teenage girl, making the baby scream even louder.

  DUCHESS: The queen! She wants me back! This is it, Cookie – I knew she’d miss me, I knew she couldn’t be without me for long!

  ALICE: She wants you to come to a croquet match followed by tea and tarts –

  The DUCHESS screams.

  DUCHESS: Tea! Tarts! Dress Code?

  ALICE: Dress Code: No babies.

  DUCHESS: Ah. Right. No babies.