Posh Read online

  POSH

  Laura Wade

  Posh

  OBERON BOOKS

  LONDON

  First published in 2010 by Oberon Books Ltd

  521 Caledonian Road, London N7 9RH

  Tel: +44 (0) 20 7607 3637 / Fax: +44 (0) 20 7607 3629

  e-mail: [email protected]

  www.oberonbooks.com

  Copyright © Laura Wade 2010

  Original edition reprinted with revisions in 2011 (twice)

  This revised West End edition copyright © 2012

  Laura Wade is hereby identified as author of this play in accordance with section 77 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. The author has asserted her moral rights.

  All rights whatsoever in this play are strictly reserved and application for performance etc. should be made before commencement of rehearsal to The Knight Hall Agency Limited, Lower Ground Floor, 7 Mallow Street, London, EC1Y 8RQ ([email protected]). No performance may be given unless a licence has been obtained, and no alterations may be made in the title or the text of the play without the author’s prior written consent.

  Applications for performance by amateur companies should be made before commencement of rehearsal to Samuel French Ltd., 52 Fitzroy St., London W1T 5JR (email: [email protected]).

  This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not by way of trade or otherwise be circulated without the publisher’s consent in any form of binding or cover or circulated electronically other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on any subsequent purchaser.

  A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

  PB ISBN: 978-1-84002-984-0

  EPUB ISBN: 978-1-84943-294-8

  Cover: Illustration by James Garland

  Design by Creative x’S

  Printed, bound and converted

  by CPI Group (UK) Ltd, Croydon, CR0 4YY.

  Visit www.oberonbooks.com to read more about all our books and to buy them. You will also find features, author interviews and news of any author events, and you can sign up for e-newsletters so that you’re always first to hear about our new releases.

  For Lyndsey

  Posh grew out of a close writer-director collaboration initiated by the Royal Court Rough Cuts programme. We’d like to thank the following people and organisations who helped with the development of the play:

  Sebastian Armesto, The Beehive, Diane Borger, Fiona Button, Pandora Colin, Jamie Doyle, James Dutton, Antony Gabriel, Julia Gibson, Stuart Glassborow, Madeline Grant, Edward Hancock, Tamara Harvey, Heather Hooper, Ben Jackson, Rory Kinnear, Charlotte Knight, Janey Lawson, Harry Lloyd, Out of the Blue, Oxford University Dramatic Society, Susanna Quirke, William Russell, Rafe Spall, Patrick Warner, Samuel West, Timothy West, Will Woodward, Victoria Yeates, Peter York, John Bashford and the students of LAMDA, and all of the actors who contributed at various stages of work on the script.

  Also Ari Edelson and all at the Orchard Project and Catskill Mountains Foundation, the staff and supporters of Rough Cuts, Ruth Little, Dominic Cooke, Kate Horton, Jeremy Herrin, Chris Campbell and all at the Royal Court Theatre, in particular Emily McLaughlin, who championed the project from the start, and Vanessa Stone who worked tirelessly to bring the play into the West End.

  This revised version of Posh received its West End premiere at the Duke of York’s Theatre, London, on 23 May 2012 (previews from 11 May), with the following cast:

  JEREMY, Simon Shepherd

  GUY BELLINGFIELD, Joshua McGuire

  CHRIS, Steffan Rhodri

  GEORGE BALFOUR, Richard Goulding

  TOBY MAITLAND, Jolyon Coy

  ED MONTGOMERY, Harry Lister Smith

  HARRY VILLIERS, Max Bennett

  ALISTAIR RYLE, Leo Bill

  HUGO FRASER-TYRWHITT, Pip Carter

  MILES RICHARDS, Edward Killingback

  DIMITRI MITROPOULOS, Henry Lloyd-Hughes

  JAMES LEIGHTON-MASTERS, Tom Mison

  RACHEL, Jessica Ransom

  CHARLIE, Charlotte Lucas

  Director, Lyndsey Turner

  Designer, Anthony Ward

  Lighting Designer, Charles Balfour

  Sound Designer, David McSeveney

  Musical Director, James Fortune

  It was produced by Royal Court Theatre Productions and Ambassador Theatre Group

  Posh was first peformed at The Royal Court Jerwood Theatre Downstairs, Sloane Square, London on 9 April 2010 with the following cast (in order of appearance):

  JEREMY, Simon Shepherd

  GUY BELLINGFIELD, Joshua McGuire

  CHRIS, Daniel Ryan

  GEORGE BALFOUR, Richard Goulding

  TOBY MAITLAND, Jolyon Coy

  ED MONTGOMERY, Kit Harington

  HARRY VILLIERS, Harry Hadden-Paton

  ALISTAIR RYLE, Leo Bill

  HUGO FRASER-TYRWHITT, David Dawson

  MILES RICHARDS, James Norton

  DIMITRI MITROPOULOS, Henry Lloyd-Hughes

  JAMES LEIGHTON-MASTERS, Tom Mison

  RACHEL, Fiona Button

  CHARLIE, Charlotte Lucas

  Director, Lyndsey Turner

  Designer, Anthony Ward

  Lighting Designer, Paule Constable

  Sound Designer, David McSeveney

  Musical Director, James Fortune

  Contents

  Characters

  ACT ONE

  ACT TWO

  OTHER LAURA WADE TITLES

  Characters

  The Riot Club: GUY BELLINGFIELD

  JAMES LEIGHTON-MASTERS

  TOBY MAITLAND

  GEORGE BALFOUR

  ALISTAIR RYLE

  HUGO FRASER-TYRWHITT

  HARRY VILLIERS

  MILES RICHARDS

  DIMITRI MITROPOULOS

  ED MONTGOMERY

  Plus:

  JEREMY

  GUY’s godfather

  CHRIS

  The landlord of The Bull’s Head

  RACHEL

  Chris’ daughter

  CHARLIE

  An escort

  ACT ONE

  SCENE 1

  A Gentlemen’s Club in London. A wood-panelled room with two big leather armchairs and a small table between them.

  JEREMY sits in one of the chairs, sipping from a glass of whisky. GUY stands opposite him.

  JEREMY: Don’t stand there like a schoolboy, GUY – take a seat.

  GUY: That a new chap on the desk?

  JEREMY: They’re all bloody new.

  GUY: Told me you were upstairs in the Blue Room.

  JEREMY: Idiot.

  GUY: I said concentrate, mate – I’m not even a member and even I know the Blue Room’s the one downstairs,

  JEREMY: Which isn’t actually blue.

  GUY: Which isn’t actually blue. The one you’re talking about, despite having blue walls, I said, is actually the Oak Room.

  JEREMY: Bloody foreign staff. Couldn’t run a piss up in a bath.

  GUY: So. How’s the mood in the camp?

  JEREMY: Oh, you know.

  GUY: Amazing, yeah – feet under the table, back in the saddle, ducks in a row, heads above parapets,

  JEREMY: Too many metaphors.

  GUY: Just the table one, then.

  JEREMY: Standing there with a dustpan and brush in your hand, clearing up after someone else’s party.

  GUY: No, yeah, course. I mean, what, thirteen years on the sidelines? Long winter.

  JEREMY: Hard to make people love you when it’s all cut cut cut.

  GUY: No, sure.

  JEREMY: Just set up a group to work on Operation Charm Offensive.

  GUY: Excellent.

  JEREMY: All they’ve dreamed up so far is a monthly backbenchers�
�� Curry Night.

  GUY: Poppadoms and policy.

  JEREMY: Men of the people, you know.

  GUY: And women.

  JEREMY: People of the people. More offensive than charming, so far.

  How’s college?

  GUY: Yeah good good.

  JEREMY: Playing any Rugger?

  GUY: Only when they’re desperate.

  JEREMY: Your mother tells me you’re seeing some girl.

  GUY: Well. Yeah. I mean it’s not –

  JEREMY: Bit out of the loop, aren’t I?

  GUY: Yeah, it’s been a while.

  JEREMY: Bit remiss with the godfathering?

  GUY: No, god no. I mean I totally know you’re here when I need you, so –

  GUY pauses.

  JEREMY: Drink?

  GUY: Yes please.

  JEREMY pours two tumblers of whisky.

  JEREMY: Water?

  GUY: Ice please.

  JEREMY looks at GUY: wrong answer. He puts some ice into GUY’s drink.

  JEREMY: So what’s her name?

  GUY: Lauren.

  JEREMY: Lauren.

  D’you know, I don’t know a single person called Lauren isn’t that remarkable?

  GUY: Not really.

  JEREMY: Lauren what, Lauren who?

  GUY: Lauren Small.

  JEREMY: Small. Is she?

  GUY: Not where it matters.

  JEREMY: Where’s she from?

  GUY: Hastings.

  JEREMY: Charming. And the parents?

  GUY: They have a chain of shops.

  JEREMY: Selling what?

  GUY: Magazines, newspapers.

  JEREMY: A newsagent?

  GUY: Chain of them. Several.

  JEREMY: Cigarettes and chocolate. Well, people always popping out for a pint of milk. Or scratch cards.

  GUY: Language.

  JEREMY: Where’d she go to school?

  GUY: In Hastings.

  JEREMY: Day school?

  GUY: Comprehensive.

  JEREMY: Clever girl, getting to Oxford.

  GUY: First in the family.

  JEREMY: Goes like the clappers as well, I expect.

  Wonderful thing about girls like that, if I remember, is they’re very cheap to run.

  GUY: God yeah. Think you’re a high roller if you go to Cafe Rouge without a voucher.

  JEREMY: But not a keeper.

  GUY: No no. God, no. Girls for now, girls for later.

  GUY sips his drink.

  JEREMY: In case it helps, Guy, I’m liable to be called back to the Lords any moment, so if you’ve something to ask, I’d spit it out.

  GUY: Right, no, of course. You’re very busy.

  OK, right.

  It’s the – It’s the Riot Club. We’re back in business. This term.

  JEREMY: Yes, I thought it might be that.

  GUY: You knew, did you?

  JEREMY: Yes.

  GUY: James had a call from – James Leighton-Masters, the president –

  JEREMY: Yes, I know.

  GUY: Had a call from another old member –

  JEREMY: Michael Bingham, yes I know.

  GUY: Said it’s been long enough since –

  JEREMY: Yes.

  GUY: OK, then you know all of it.

  JEREMY: No, please – Go on.

  GUY: OK, so we’re back, we can start having dinners again, Embargo Relaxum.

  JEREMY: On the proviso that you keep it out of the Daily Mail this time, right?

  GUY: Well yeah.

  Yeah, but that wasn’t about a dinner, though, was it, that story, that was just Toby –

  JEREMY: You know what I mean.

  GUY: I know we’ve missed two dinners because of him knobbing about. And you don’t get very many, do you, one a term? Not many chances to –

  JEREMY: To let rip.

  GUY: To make your mark.

  If you want to be the next president.

  JEREMY: Oh, Guy –

  GUY: Elections after Christmas, so –

  JEREMY: Why d’you want the hassle of being president?

  GUY: You know, for the old CV.

  JEREMY: Current climate, Guy – employers don’t like –

  GUY: Not my written CV, obviously. I mean the curriculum of my actual vitae. The legend of Guy Bellingfield.

  So I was thinking I could bring something special to the next dinner. Sort of a trailer. As well as, you know, celebrating the. Glorious return.

  And, I just, I know that back in the day, you were – you know, you were quite a legend in the club.

  JEREMY: Right.

  GUY: And I’m a bit, um. Stuck for ideas.

  JEREMY: I think you’re over-thinking it.

  GUY: Just want a bit of inspiration.

  JEREMY: It’s only a club.

  GUY: It’s the best club.

  JEREMY: Silly student japes, all it is. Letting off steam.

  GUY: Please, just. Anything. Please.

  JEREMY: Alright, well. Why don’t you pitch in with club finances? – chap did that when I was at college, managed the funds judiciously enough to lay down a cellar of really excellent wine for future dinners, that showed a bit of foresight –

  GUY: Yeah, I was thinking of something that might have a bit more of an um, immediate impact. Something with a bit of, you know. Woof.

  JEREMY: You know the best thing you could do, Guy, for your CV, is ensure this dinner passes pretty uneventfully.

  GUY: Right.

  JEREMY: Yes?

  GUY: Yeah, sorry, OK. Uneventful. Lead by example. The Quiet Man.

  JEREMY: Exactly.

  GUY: Just easy to get carried away when I grew up on all those stories. Listening to you talk about the club, all the amazing – obviously, that was before things were so –

  JEREMY: Sadly, yes.

  GUY: God, that one about the – was it a chandelier?

  JEREMY: I don’t –

  GUY: Yeah no, you and the guys – massive food fight, something about a chandelier got caught in the crossfire, shattered everywhere –

  JEREMY: One chandelier was hardly a rare occurrence in those days.

  GUY: No, yeah, not just one –

  JEREMY: Christ, some dinners there’d be three chandeliers broken before we even sat down –

  GUY: Amazing.

  JEREMY: We’d be eating in the dark sometimes.

  GUY: Legends.

  JEREMY: You know one time – this was bloody funny – we stripped a dining room totally bare – wallpaper down, floorboards up –

  Of course we were all, you know,

  GUY: Three sheets to the wind.

  JEREMY: More than that.

  GUY: Four sheets to the wind.

  JEREMY: Took all the electrics out, skirting boards, dado rails, put it all in a huge pile in the middle of the floor –

  GUY: Sounds amazing.

  JEREMY: Work of genius. Should have seen the owner’s face when he saw it.

  GUY: Did he go ballistic?

  JEREMY: Once we’d given him a blank cheque he thought it was bloody funny, actually. Very nice chap, gave us a lift to the station. Not quite sure how we got there but the next morning we woke up in Vienna.

  GUY: Vienna?

  JEREMY: Passed out face down in a box of marzipan.

  GUY: Wow. Did you always go somewhere?

  JEREMY: After dinner, yes. A jaunt.

  GUY: That’s it – I should totally arrange a trip – ’cause we usually just end up in a club – I mean wow, this could be seriously –

  JEREMY: But I thought you weren’t going to –

  GUY: Val d’Isere, maybe – bit of drunken skiing –

  JEREMY: uneventful we said –

  GUY: Or maybe just taxis to the airport – just rock up and take a chance on the next flight out. Have Gold Card, Will Travel. How presidential is that? The Riot Club hits Heathrow.

  JEREMY: No, Guy, Guy, wait, think –

  GUY: What?

  JEREMY: Think about th
e dinner. If you’re going to do something.

  GUY: What?

  JEREMY: Surely what – what happens inside the room. Much more important than where you go afterwards. If you’re set on leading by example. If you want to make your mark as a leader, not just a, you know, holiday rep.

  GUY: What are we talking, then?

  JEREMY: You want them to love you, give them something to hold on to. The brotherhood, yes? It’s about what happens at the table.

  GUY: Crackers?

  JEREMY: I mean the dinner itself – give it some grandeur, some meaning. The wine, for example – put some real thought into it: the perfect complement to the ten-bird roast, the perfect Sauternes for the pudding, the –

  GUY: Complement to the what?

  JEREMY: Pudding.

  GUY: No, before that, you said –

  JEREMY: Ten-bird roast.

  GUY: What’s a ten-bird roast?

  JEREMY: What it says, isn’t it, a bird inside a bird inside a bird and so on.

  GUY: Ten different birds.

  Because there’s ten of us in the club, see.

  JEREMY: Oh now, there, I’d forgotten.

  GUY: Like a metaphor, for – What sort of birds is it?

  JEREMY: I don’t know, quail, duck, partridge, whatever, you don’t cook it yourself I don’t know exactly what’s in it.

  But bloody special. I mean this is you connecting yourself to hundreds of years of history.

  GUY: A sacrament, almost.

  JEREMY: Exactly that – a sacrament. Ten of you, bound together –

  GUY: Brotherhood again.

  JEREMY: Exactly. Bonding over the meat and the fire.

  GUY: And you definitely think that’ll work –

  JEREMY: It’s what they had at the first ever dinner.

  GUY: Savage, OK.

  So maybe James’d let me take charge of the whole menu – say I’m just trying to help him out – get something properly impressive like a ten-bird roast –

  JEREMY: Show you’re a man of taste and discernment.

  GUY: Awesome president material.

  JEREMY: There you go. There’s your game plan.

  GUY: And then we tear the place apart later.

  JEREMY: Guy –

  GUY: Jokes, Uncle Jezza – I’m joking.

  JEREMY’s phone chimes.

  JEREMY: Oh god, here we go –

  He holds his phone up to show Guy.

  There’s an app now, for the Division Bell.